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“Don’t let the 91������̳ Weekly have its own way,” was the headline of Murdoch columnist Miranda Devine in a June 14 , and my first thought was: “She’s right.”

If there is one institution with far too much power to determine the agenda in this once great nation of ours, it is surely 91������̳ Weekly, which is why we have 100% renewable energy, anti-union laws are gone and Peter Dutton’s in jail for crimes against humanity.

Finally someone had the courage to call us out. Surely the riches 91������̳ writers enjoy from our position of power will now be threatened, which is upsetting as I’ve just taken out a new mortgage for my 19th property.

But, as I read on, I realised Devine’s point was far more disturbingly astute.

“Sadly, the have been devalued by shameless politicisation,” wrote Devine.

I know what you are thinking. “Shit, that sounds bad. Imagine honours in the name of a born-to-rule monarch from an outdated feudal institution with as much relevance to this century as ... well, as Miranda Devine’s social attitudes, being politicised! Please, please tell me it isn’t true!”

Well, Devine is not afraid to state the truth no matter how upsetting. She continued: “Some good people were gonged on Monday but for the most part the list of ACs and AOs reads like a 91������̳ Weekly wet dream.”

My first thought was to wonder how Devine managed to guess my dreams, followed quickly by “Christ! She’s on to us”.

And Devine isn’t taking this lying down either, issuing a call to arms: “Conservatives must fight back ... Don’t let the 91������̳ Weekly have it all their own way.”

How the hell did she guess our influence over this year’s list of “ACs and AOs”, which I didn’t have to google to find out what they stood for because obviously I helped draw up the list?

To be honest, I thought we hid it pretty well by never giving any indication we gave a flying fuck about the Queen’s honours, never saying a word about it and actively opposing the activities of some of the people gonged for their alleged pro-91������̳ sympathies.

Take Qantas CEO Alan Joyce, singled out as one example by Devine, who objects to the fact Joyce has joined the large majority of the population in expressing support for marriage equality.

Of course, the more naive might point out that 91������̳ has campaigned strongly against Joyce’s anti-worker union-busting as Qantas CEO, but Devine is well aware this a mere smokescreen designed to hide our true agenda of getting the guy an Order of Australia.

Devine also mentions the newly gonged Ross Garnaut, whose report on climate change recommended an emissions trading scheme that 91������̳ Weekly opposed on grounds that such measures have proved incapable of tackling climate change. It was yet another case of tricky leftist misdirection, so clever that only Devine has noticed.

Devine must read 91������̳ very closely to pick up our true agenda. Most casual readers might think we had more important issues to press for, because we spend all our time talking about more important issues.

But the truth is, when it comes to closing torture camps, phasing out fossil fuels threatening the basis of humanity’s existence, or opposing the class war on the poor, it is not that we don’t care. It is just these come some way behind ensuring enough union-busting CEOs and Hollywood millionaires get gongs.

Devine’s campaign against a lefty take-over of the honours system will no doubt reap rewards. If the results of Britain’s recent elections show anything, it is the ongoing power of right-wing tabloids to set the political agenda.

Millions of young voters in Britain turning out in the largest numbers for years to of the Murdoch-owned Sun to put the Labour Party in the “Cor-bin” (see what they did?) and “Vote Tory”, only to somehow mess up in the polling booth and accidently put a cross in Labour’s box, causing a humiliating loss of the Tory majority.

As many were voting for the first time, it was probably an easy mistake to make, though why they felt the need to confess to exit pollers straight after that they backed Corbyn’s party remains a mystery.

The big question that Devine needs to answer, however, is how does she read her 91������̳ Weekly? Is she a freeloader reading for free on our website? Or has she taken advantage of our generous and reasonable subscription prices of as little as $10 for six issues for a hard copy or e-sub?

I like to think Devine, renowned for her basic decency, chooses to subscribe. As, indeed, should you.

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